Sunday, June 25, 2017

Raw Emotion

Man I don't blog very much anymore. I miss it. I need it. It, like many other things, goes in the pile of "when mom has extra time" stack. Ha! Me time, that is a real joke.I have a massive stack of laundry, giving me dirty looks, right now in fact.

I know you can already see where this post is heading. It isn't going to be a flowery post. Please don't misunderstand me, I know I am blessed in so many ways. It is just that right now, I feel like if I don't let some of this out, my heart might actually explode. Hey, it's my blog and I get to make the rules.

I've been sitting here looking at this picture tonight.
I cannot seem to stop. The raw emotion captured is not something we usually want displayed. It has gotten me on somewhat of a downward spiral. The picture was taken during some of Ty's final hours of life. Marshal and I have had him for 16 years. It has been a rough year for the Watson pets. Ty makes the third loss.

I could go on about how sad I am over the loss of Ty. It makes my heart hurt so much. The thing is though, as I am looking at this picture, I can't help but think about the emotion I am displaying. The picture shows something I wouldn't show very many people.My cheeks are literally stained with tears. It isn't really a proper FB or IG  pictures.

Here is the thing about that picture; I am hurting. It is ok that I am hurting. I have the right to hurt.

I am not going to sit over here and act like I am the only one with problems. I absolutely understand that most everyone has something that challenges them, that makes them hurt. Life is full of ups and downs. I get it. Some of us are up, way up, and some of us are down.

The deal is...Sometimes I get really really tired of smiling. Sometimes I am not ok. Sometimes I just need you to see the raw emotions in the picture. Sometimes I just want it to be ok for me to cry and you to not try and stop me. Having a husband that is unemployed stinks. Sometimes I just want you to ask me how I am and not expect me to lie to you. Having parents that are sick is hard. Sometimes I just want you to talk to me and not change the subject. Dealing with the lack of insurance and not being able to get the medicine I need leaves me feeling desperate. Sometimes I want you to actually check on me. Financial instability is scary.

Before anyone gets any ideas that I am talking about someone in particular, I am not. I am not writing this to anyone except myself. I know I am the one that has the problem. I put on this show, like it is expected of me. Everyone else in social media land has a perfect life, I should too, right.

Well I am admitting my life isn't perfect. In fact right now I don't really like it at all. And I just admitted that to everyone. I am quite certain that is a total gasp worthy no no in social circles everywhere. I guess raw emotions don't always make a pretty picture.

I will smile again tomorrow, but for today I am allowing myself the time to just not be okay for a little while. And guess what...I've decided that it is okay.