Finding my New Normal

I don't admit this easily; in fact I have been fighting this for weeks.



I am struggling.



I am struggling to find my new normal. I am having a hard time organizing my time and my responsibilities. I feel like I am right on the edge of snapping in two. I am exhausted. My emotions are raw. I have nothing extra to give.



I feel like Jaxton is the part of our family we never knew we were missing. He somehow made everything in my life feel complete. I am just so in love with him and God has given me a great sense of patience and a calming spirit when I am with him. But I am struggling. Not with being a mother and not with having a new baby.



With fitting life in around that. Laundry. Cooking. Cleaning. Work. Bills. Exercising. Friendship.



All I want to do is hold Jaxton in one hand and play barbies with Ashlynn in the other. If only life could be that simple. If only the magic fairy would arrive...



I probably sound like a basket case to those of you that aren't around me everyday. I can only imagine what my words have made you think of me. I can assure you from the outside looking in I look like I have it all together (and truthfully that is what I would like everyone to think-ha). I act the same, talk the same, walk the same, and keep that same smile on my face.



This struggle is deep inside of me. I am struggling because I have realized that I have to let something go. My house cannot be as clean as I want it to be. I can't cook homemade meals for my family every night. I can't have my lesson plans completed two weeks in advanced. I can't fit back into my size 4's over night. I can't talk on the phone for hours catching up on the latest chit chat. I can't ensure my four year old puts her toys back in her closet neatly. I can't, I can't, I just can't...


I am one of those people that likes to have control of what happens in my life. I live for plans and schedules. I am super organized. I want everything to be just how I want it. That type of personality is what this struggle is all about. I can't seem to get into a new normal schedule. Everyday I walk around searching for that new normal. How to get everything to work together and get everything in it's place. The normal I have grown so comfortable with is just not there anymore and it drives my crazy!


Admitting I am not perfect or anywhere close to it, is not easy for me. Admitting I don't have it all together is hard. Asking for help is difficult. Putting myself out here is not easy. I am hoping though that by admitting I am struggling I can allow me to cut myself some stack.