Is there ever any Closure?

This week I would have been celebrating my precious baby Taylor’s first birthday.

I am writing this post from my heart and if you out there in blog world can’t handle the honesty please stop reading now. I have so much I need to share for me and I beg of you not to judge my feelings.

When I had my miscarriage something inside of me was broken. I really, within every being of my body, thought that all I needed to do was to get pregnant again to fix it; so much so that I focused on nothing but getting pregnant again. I thought that if I could just get pregnant again I could prove to the world and myself that I was not broken and that there was not anything “wrong” with me.

You see when you have a miscarriage there are so many emotions you go through. I know it may not be the same for everyone, but for me I had a huge sense of guilt. I blamed myself. I mourned for the baby. My womb felt empty. My heart was shattered. There was no closure. Nothing left of a life you started to love and plan for. Nothing to hold on to.

I did get pregnant again. Quickly. And in all reality probably too quickly. I spent nine months trying not to get attached to my baby. Trying to guard myself from that hurt and pain. Each doctor’s appointment I prepared myself to hear bad news. I didn’t want to baby shop, I didn’t want the baby showers. And yet this tiny little baby somehow broke through my toughness with each little kick. The very second he was born I fell head over heels in love with him. There was nothing I could do but to let him into my heart.

I really thought at the time that was the end of it. I thought that once I held my perfectly healthy baby that the hole in my body would heal. I thought the ache in my chest would disappear.

But it hasn’t. I still long for the baby I lost. I don’t know why I thought another child could replace the lost, but as much as I am ashamed to say it, I really thought it would. I still long for closure, although I am afraid it will never come. Taylor was and is apart of my family. She changed me forever. She made me value being a mom in a way I never did before.

I find peace in knowing that I serve a powerful God. He held me when I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other. And there is no question in my mind that he is holding Taylor and that together they are smiling down on us.

So Happy Birthday my Sweet Sweet Taylor. I love you and know one day I will see your beautiful face and hold you in my arms. Until then I will cherish the hole you left behind. It is the only thing I have left on this earth to remind me of you.